I wake up, I’m still drunk. Fuck. I start pounding water, then shit and shower to get the day started right. Breakfast of champions: Pop Tarts and oatmeal. Load up the whip, including the beer and booze. We want to get drunk BEFORE we get to the strip club tonight, we’re on a budget after all.
Devils Head Resort, WI. It’s tucked in a backwoods area in the middle of nowhere. It’s also got a golf course, seasonal of course. Every year the reps rent out a building on the slope known as Smokey’s. We ride a ton of boards from next season all day. We don’t even stop to eat. At 5:30, anyone wanting to compete in the Chinese Downhill race starst practicing. I’m riding a demo board that’s been on snow all day. This board needs wax, it’s super slow. So I opt out of the race, don’t want to lose my $10. The race stats at 6. Teroy races…on the Burton Nug. He doesn’t win but does surprising well. The dude that wins is over 300 lbs and rides a 166. We’re bringing lead weights next year. We change in the parking lot, start the boozing. Free dinner at the on hill bar called The Avalanche. Teroy and I have double cheese bugers.
The club shuttles show up, Teroy and I are the first dudes out there. There’s strippers on the shuttles. I find out that “stripper” isn’t the preferred vernacular, they like to be called “dancers”. Fucking whores. It starts to snow, everyone is pumped, except the half naked chicks.
Welcome to Paradise City. We were here last year, had a great time, but I wanted to make sure we could maximize our fun. I called ahead and talked to the manager yesterday to make sure the “A-squad” was on, and the glass ceiling had broads dancing on it. We weren’t dissapointed. The talent killed it on the spinning poles, too. As usual, Wikner and Pettis tag all of the strippers with stickers. On of the reps puts his money down on sniffers row and asks to see the nether region. The stripper says she can’t, she has a tampon in. I get visual verification first hand shortly thereafter. That’s a first.
I meet a dude named Chris from a shop out here. He gives me his card, writes his cell number on it. I invite him to carpool with us down to Chicago on Wednesday, he gets a little too excited. We part ways. (this is relevant, i swear)
Tim starts gathering up money from everyone from the show to pool together and get another rep a private shower dance: down to your skivies and into a shower with the ladies. I didn’t know that was a possibility. While this is happening, I run into Chris again, he’s overly excited that I remembered and called him by his first name. He likes to stand in my personal space and touch my shoulders. We part ways again. Tim’s pot comes up $60 short, so he settles for a 3 girl hostage dance. Awesome. The victimized rep gets a ton of welts from leather belts and he drawers get literly ripped off of him while his jeans are still on. Ouch. To add insult to injury, Tim tea bags/ass-cracks this rep while he’s onstage on his back with his eyes closed in pain/pleasure. While watching this go down, Chris creeps up behind me. He leans in with his hand on my shoulder and hands me $3 bucks, tells me i can do whatever I want with it, I just have to make sure I have a good time. I’m a little confused, but I figure he’s drunk, I throw his money at the girls torturing the rep onstage.
I’m not drunk, it sucks. I go outside to find the sealed can of Coke I left out there since I wasn’t allowed to bring it in. I didn’t let them know I had a flask with me too. Party. Dizzle is outside talking to some random dude and chick. The dude is bored, he wanders off, the girls name is Julia, she’s cool shit. I share my drink and flask with Dizzle and Julia. It’s cold, and there aren’t any naked tits out here, back inside. I hang out for a while, still not drunk, losing my patience. Fuck, here comes Chris again. He still likes standing too close, and is too touchy. Insists that he can get me anything i need. This guy is fucking weird. I turn away to show disinterest. He jumps back into my direct line of sight. I turn back the other way, he slides back into plain view again. What the fuck. I retreat to the bar to collect my thoughts. I decide this dude wants my corn hole.
Safety meeting. Back at Sniffer’s Row, I meet back up with Teroy. Tell him about Chris. He tells me i have to go along with it to keep the blog interesting. I reluctantly comply. Back to the task at hand, Teroy and I do our signature move: inflate a jimmy hat with cash in it. I try to shoot it at the stripper while she’s on the pole. I miss, lands at the base. Luckily for our viewing pleasure, she slides down the pole and lands spread eagle right on it by accident. She bites it, it pops, she takes her prize, we reward her by throwing more money at her. Chris wanders over, gives me $5 bill this time, still insisting I have a great time with it. I turn my back to him and hand it right to the stripper, put it in her thong. He wanders off. Teroy sees where I’m coming from.
Julia decides she wants to get make out with the stripper, then get up on stage. The announcer states that no chick can be onstage unless they’re topless. She’s a classy lady, so she takes off her top. Lovely. On a side note, other chicks from our group also made out with strippers and took their ta-tas out for everyone’s viewing pleasure, including, Tim’s chick. She gets the nickname “Nice Tits”.
Later, Teroy and I are having a pow wow. Guess who butts in. This time, Chris walks right up and says to me, “I just want to throw you over my shoulder!” I look at Teroy, shoot him the wide eyed look, he’s grinning too much. Without looking back, I ask why. ”So I can put you on stage!” Still looking at Teroy and not into the eyes of doom. Again, I ask why. ”Cuz you’re a better dancer than him!”, pointing at Teroy. We move on.
The crowd starts winding down. Teroy and I get the mob rounded up and moving towards the door and to the busses. It has snowed a lot since we were here. I sit in front. Everone who gets on can’t operate their legs on the stairs or makes a random statement, no one is listening but me. Here comes Chris, I make Moose sit next to me. On the ride back, Teroy passes out, Dizzle and C3P0 fuck with him. Wikner and C3P0 start fucking around at the front of the bus, but they keep falling into the excited hands of Chris. Moose and I look on in amazement. The bus almost gets stuck going up a hill on the way back, everyone starts jumping around.
Devils Head, 1:55 am, we’re back.
Teroy and I split up as we walk into the lobby. I saw the Forum guys congregating off to the left, so I knew I had to see what was going to happen there. Teroy went right, to the east section of the resort. The Forum guys start walking towards their rooms, but I’m not totally convinced that they know where they are going. Along the way, we walk through a party area where a bunch of high school kids are partying. Wikner invites himself into their beer pong game, then takes a beer and gets pushed out of the room. We make it to their room. Since I’m sober, I decide that I need to go find Teroy. I convince the guys to follow me on an “adventure” to find Teroy on the other side of the resort.
Apparently, this is where shit is going down. I guess the high schoolers were staying over here, and our peeps found their room. Shit is going down. The snow crew is trying to bum rush this party and the kids aren’t having it. there’ beer and junk food all over the hall. A tall, skinny, non-threatening security guard shows up. No one cares, there’s over a dozen of us and one of him. Enter the Spacecraft bunny suit. The bunny steps out of Cody’s room, and everyone is pumped. Then Cody walks out, and everyone is mind fucked. The bunny is also not welcome to the high school party. By this time, the gangly security guard has got back up: a short, pissed off, over-the-hill security guard. I’ve figured out by this time that the person inside the suit is Old Skool. He decides to freak dance with the security guards. I stumble upon Matt from Burton and Emmet from Volcom. They didn’t come along to the club, but they got their drink on anyways, and they looked happily buzzed. After wandering the halls for almost an hour, I finally find Teroy in a random room. He’s hanging with some dudes and getting his drink on quietly. He’s content, and I know he’s in a room that isn’t going to get busted for noise, so I leave him be. I write Dizzle’s room number on Teroy’s hand, 617.
I go looking for the Forum guys, since they got chased off by the security and the 5-0 that showed up. I find them in a snack room, raiding the vending machines. They get as much junk food as they can carry. Wikner throws an open bag of Cheez-Its into the air, they go everywhere. Back in their hall, they decide they want to get Moose. Wikner bangs on his door, “the Moose is loose!”, “Moose, I love you!”. after about 5 minutes, he gives up. At 4 am, I leave them and go crash on Dizzle/Cody’s floor. I sleep on the cushions from the pull out sofa bed.